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Old 06-30-2006, 08:19 PM   #106
PyroMyrmidon
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Your "story" makes me feel a whole new level of disgust which I have never felt before.

So, constructive criticism. Your characters... you don't have any. Your writing is incredibly repetitive and uncreative. I could go on, but I don't feel like typing that much.
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Old 07-02-2006, 06:35 AM   #107
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I don't see any authors yet, Lakayal, so I'm going to say I don't believe you.

Anyway, here's the final chapter!

Chapter Twenty: A Hidden Past Revealed

As Link was sitting there in the tower looking surprised that he defeated Ganondorf once again, he recalled what he said about not ever awakening Zelda. Link realized he didn’t have the key to get in her room.
Oh no, he thought. That’s what he meant by never awakening Zelda. I’ve no clue where the key is. I could ask Kelli, but…I doubt she’d know anything about where it is. Hmm…I know! I bet Ganondorf hid it somewhere in this room! Link started looking. He searched high and low for that key. He couldn’t find it. Link had an idea.
“Kelli?” he called. “Are you still hanging out there?” Link listened for Kelli’s reply. It took her a few seconds.
“Yes, but…I can’t…hold on much longer…” she replied, sounding weaker than before. “What’s wrong?”
“Did you happen to look through the walls when you were up here?” Link asked, beginning to worry about Kelli.
“As a matter of fact…I did”, Kelli replied. “Why?”
“Did you see anything?”
“I think so…I saw…something sparkling…in the wall near the organ…” Link was getting worried about the way Kelli sounded.
“Okay, I’ll go check it out”, he said. “Hang in there, okay? I’ll be back down here as soon as I can to save you!”
“Okay…just hurry…” Kelli replied. Link ran over to the organ and looked around it. On the organ’s right, he found a secret panel. Inside sat a shiny blue key. Its color matched the color of the lock and chains on the door that led upstairs. Link knew this had to be the key he was looking for. He went to the door and tried the key on the lock. It fit perfectly. Link ran up the winding staircase, beginning to feel nervous.
At the top, he came to another door with a blue lock and chains on it. After unlocking that door, he went inside. He saw Zelda lying on a bed of gold and silver, in her enchanted slumber. Link couldn’t help but gaze at the princess lying before him. He never realized how beautiful Zelda had become. Feeling nervous, he gulped.
“Well, here goes”, Link said to himself. He approached the right side of the bed. He slowly bent over to Zelda’s level, his hand touching the bed’s edge and kissed her gently on the lips.
As Link’s lips touched Zelda’s, a feeling was beginning to flow through his body. A feeling he’d never felt before. A feeling…he would normally be fearing. Link was falling in love. And he didn’t completely realize it.
After Link finished, he slowly stood up. As he did, Zelda began to stir. Her eyes fluttered open. She sat up and saw Link standing before her. Zelda gasped.
“Link! You came back!” she cried. She leaped off the bed and threw Link a hug. But he didn’t blush this time. Instead, he returned the hug with a smile.
“Are you all right?” he asked. He and Zelda let go of each other.
“Don’t worry, I’m fine”, Zelda replied. She noticed Link’s cut. She gasped. “Link! What happened to your leg?! Did Ganondorf do that?” Zelda pointed to the bloody area of Link’s left leg. Link glanced at it.
“Yeah, he did”, he replied. “I’m okay, though”.
“That’s good”, Zelda commented. “Oh, Link, you got the Ocarina of Time from my father, right? I see the Master Sword in your scabbard”.
“Yeah, I have it”, Link replied. “It’s right here”. He showed Zelda the ocarina.
“I’m glad you got it”. Zelda commented.
“And I’m glad you got it from me”, Link added.
“Yeah, and speaking of that, how did you get it here?” Zelda asked. “I found it on my bed about a month after you first left Hyrule”.
“That’s my little secret”, Link replied. “I’ll tell you later, okay?”
“Okay”, Zelda agreed.
There was a long pause. Zelda couldn’t help but gaze into Link’s dark blue eyes. If only she could tell him how she felt about him. Link always had the handsomest face she ever saw and also the kindest heart of any man she knew.
Link, on the other hand, couldn’t help but gaze back. He now fully realized he’d fallen in love with the princess of Hyrule and that his fear of being loved had gone. He now thought of love as a thing that was not to be feared, but to be cherished by many.
A few minutes later, Link suddenly noticed something different about the room they were standing in.
“Zelda, look, the room, it’s…back to normal”, he pointed out. Zelda looked around.
“You’re right!” she gasped. “The whole castle must be back to normal!”
“Yeah!” Link agreed. “Awakening you must have broken the curse on the castle Kelli spoke—” Link cut himself off. He gasped. “Kelli! I completely forgot!” Link dashed out the door. Zelda followed.
“What? What happened to her?!” she asked, worriedly. They started down the stairs.
“Ganondorf knocked her out a window”, Link replied. “She was hanging on to a statue on the wall when I went to the window. I wanted to save her, but she told me to get to you first. Kelli sounded weak too and now it may be too late!”
“Oh dear”, Zelda commented, very worried. “Let’s hurry, then!”
When they got back to the room where Link fought Ganondorf, they ran to the window Kelli had fallen out of. Link looked out. They were too late. Kelli was lying on the ground motionless, as if she were dead. Link put a worried look on his face.
“No…no!” he said and dashed out of the room. Zelda followed, also very worried.
“I swear, if he killed her…” Link said. “I’d stab myself”. Zelda gasped as they left the tower.
“Link, you wouldn’t!”
“Zelda, if she’s dead, it’s my fault!” Link argued. “I could’ve prevented Ganondorf from doing this!”
“Link, no”, Zelda protested. “It’s his fault. How were you supposed to know he was going to do that?”
“I don’t know, but let’s not discuss it now, okay?” Link insisted. “We don’t even know if Kelli’s dead yet”.
“Okay, then”, Zelda replied. “And it’s a good thing she fell after you awakened me, or else she’d have fallen in that lava”.
“That’s true”, Link agreed as they ran out the main doors of the castle. They ran around to where Kelli was. Once Link saw her motionless form lying on the ground again, he dropped to his knees near her, and sat her up to his shoulders. Zelda stood next to him.
“Kelli? Kelli, can you hear me?” Link said. He nudged her. “Aw c’mon, Kelli, wake up, please wake up!”
Zelda felt like crying. Like Link, she didn’t want to lose Hyrule’s only heroine so soon, especially because of what Kelli had done, for not only Hyrule, but for her and Link as well.
“Please, Kelli! I’m sorry this happened to you! I’m so sorry!” Link went on, feeling tears coming. “I could’ve kept Ganondorf from doing this to you all along, but I didn’t. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me...please. Because…you’re the best friend I could ever have…” Link started weeping on Kelli’s shoulder. Zelda, too, had tears trickling down her cheeks.
A few seconds later, Kelli began to stir. Link suddenly made a small gasp. Kelli slowly opened her eyes.
“…Link?” she panted. Link put a big smile on his face.
“Kelli! You’re alive!” he cried and hugged her tightly. “Oh thank goddesses!” Kelli smiled slightly, but was feeling very weak.
“Link…I’m…I’m very…weak…I may…d-die soon”, she said, sounding low on breath.
“No…Kelli, no!” Link exclaimed. “I can’t let you die! I can’t! You’ve done too much for me!” He was getting worried.
“I need…red…p-potion…” Kelli barely got it out. She fell back unconscious, quite low on breath and very weak. Link made a small gasp again.
“If that’s what you need, I’ll get it!” he promised. “Don’t worry, Kelli!” Link picked her up off the ground.
“Zelda, she’s saved me several times, now it’s my turn to save her!” Link proclaimed. “Follow me to Kakariko! I’m not letting Kelli die like this!”
“I’m with you! I won’t either!” Zelda added. They ran out of the castle grounds and through Hyrule Castle Town, not noticing the Gibdos were gone. Outside across the broken drawbridge, Link noticed the horses were gone again. He smacked his forehead.
“Oh, what a fine time!” Link almost shouted. “They’re gone again!”
“Who?” Zelda asked.
“Epona and Sunfire”, Link replied. “Kelli and I left them right here”.
“Ah, I see”, Zelda commented. She was suspicious of why they kept vanishing like that.
“Aw crud, Kelli’s got my hands full”, Link realized. “Zelda, you know Epona’s Song, right? Grab the ocarina and play the song for me, will ya?”
“Okay”. Zelda pulled the ocarina out of Link’s pocket and played the song. Malon had taught it to her a long time ago. A minute later, Epona and Sunfire arrived. Link put Kelli on Epona and mounted her while Zelda mounted Sunfire, who looked happy and sad at the same time. They rode off to Kakariko Village as fast as they could.
Once there, Link dismounted Epona, grabbed Kelli, and ran up the stairs into the village. Zelda dismounted Sunfire and followed.
Inside, the King was standing near the house by the stairs leading up to the Death Mountain Trail. When he saw Link and Zelda running up to the tree nearby, he saw to his dismay, an unconscious Kelli in Link’s arms. He ran up to them.
“Good grief! What happened to her?!” the King exclaimed, worriedly. Link put Kelli down under the tree.
“There’s no time to explain! I need to get a red potion for Kelli, and bring it to her before she dies!” Link replied. The King gasped.
“Well, then get going! Zelda and I will watch over her until you get back!” he said. Link nodded and headed up the stairs near the King. He entered the potion shop which was just at the top.
Seconds later, Link came back with a bottle of red potion, looking very worried. He saw Zelda had sat down and put Kelli’s head on her lap.
“I think she’s still alive, Link”, she said. “We can save her”. Link let out a sigh of relief. He kneeled down right next to Kelli and Zelda. Link sat Kelli up. He nudged her.
“Kelli? Kelli, c’mon, wake up, I have the potion now”, Link scolded. Kelli didn’t stir. “Oh crud, if she doesn’t wake soon…Kelli, wake up, please!” Kelli still didn’t stir.
“Oh no…” Zelda muttered, worriedly. Link buried his face in his hands and shook his head slowly.
“Some hero I turned out to be”, Link mumbled. Zelda heard it.
“Link, don’t talk like that!” she insisted. “You did defeat Ganondorf”.
“You saved my daughter and the sages too”, the King added, who was standing just near Zelda.
“Yeah, but after doing all that, you’d think I’d have saved Kelli by now”, Link protested, taking his hands away from his face.
The King was about to say something, but a weak voice spoke up instead
“L-Link?” the voice said. It was Kelli. Link suddenly looked at her. She was trying to sit up after being put down by him. Zelda and the King sighed with relief.
“Kelli! Oh thank the goddesses!” he exclaimed, helping her. He showed Kelli the red potion. “Here’s the potion”. Kelli took it.
“Okay…” she panted, still feeling low on breath and very weak. She pulled the cork off the top and drank the potion. As she drank, Kelli was already feeling the energy flow. When she finished, she handed the bottle back to Link.
“You okay now?” he asked. Kelli tried to stand up. At first, her legs felt a bit wobbly, but she was able to stand up.
“Yeah, thanks. You saved my life, Link!” Kelli exclaimed, now full of energy. Link smiled.
“No…I thank you”, he replied. “I would have never saved Hyrule again if it wasn’t for you”. It was Kelli’s turn to smile.
“Anytime, Link”, she said. “And also…you and Zelda are the best friends I could ever have”. Link was so happy to hear this, that he couldn’t help but give Kelli a big hug. Kelli returned it. As they were hugging, the King looked around.
“I’ll be right back, I hear one of the villagers calling me”, he said. He walked off. Zelda watched as the King left.
“Hey, Link and Kelli?” she said. “Um, I have something I need to tell you…”
“What’s that?” Link asked. He and Kelli walked up to Zelda.
“Well, Link, you don’t know much about your past, do you?” Zelda replied. “And I know for sure Kelli doesn’t know of her own past”.
“I know about my mother, but that’s about it”, Link stated.
“You know about it, Zelda?” Kelli asked, a little surprised.
“I do”, Zelda replied. “See, my father used to tell me stories about that war between the races of Hyrule, and he told me about what happened to your parents, Kelli, and also Link’s”.
“And that’s what you want to talk to us about?” Link asked.
“Yes”, Zelda replied. “There’s something about it you two must know. Kelli, your parents were slaughtered by some Gerudos during the war. They had taken you and gone into hiding in Hyrule Castle Town’s back alleys. Your father was a soldier, but he wanted to protect you and your mother and died in the act. The Gerudos never found you and that’s why you survived”. Kelli’s eyes widened with surprise.
“Wow”, she said. “That’s amazing”.
“I agree”, Link added. Zelda went on.
“You were stuck in town for quite some time before Link’s father came and found you”, she explained. “He was surprised to find you stranded there. He’d been looking for his wife and Link, not knowing she had gone to take Link to the forest and he wandered into town. And Link, your father, too, was a soldier”.
“I see”, Link commented.
“What did Link’s father do with me?” Kelli asked, curiously. “Did he know who I was?”
“As a matter of fact, he did”, Zelda continued. “He realized you were his niece, whom he hadn’t seen in quite some time. He then decided to take you to the forest and entrust you to the Great Deku Tree”. Link’s and Kelli’s eyes widened and their mouths dropped open.
“Wait, back up, NIECE?!” Kelli exclaimed. Zelda nodded. “You mean…you mean…?”
“Kelli’s my cousin?!” Link finished.
“Yep”, Zelda replied. Link and Kelli exchanged glances, their eyes still wide with surprise. Neither of them thought they had any living relatives left.
“Then…then…that legend is true. The one about Guardians of the Sun and Moon being related”, Kelli concluded.
“Yes, it is true and has been for quite some time”, Zelda added. “You two never even considered the fact that you might be related, did you?”
“Nope”, Link replied. “But I still don’t see how we can be related”.
“How? Just look at the similarities the two of you have!” Zelda pointed out. Link and Kelli looked at each other. Zelda was right. They did look a bit alike. They both had blonde hair. They both had blue eyes, except Link noticed Kelli’s weren’t the same shade of blue as his. They were more of a teal blue, rather than normal blue.
“Wow”, Kelli commented. “But Link’s father took me to the forest?”
“Yes. He did make it, but only barely. He was hit with two arrows in the back on his way there. He entrusted you to the Deku Tree before he died”, Zelda explained. “The Deku Tree promised to protect you there and have one of the Kokiri take care of you”.
“Wow, so that’s why I’ve always worn Kokiri clothing”, Kelli realized. Link glanced at Kelli. She was wearing Kokiri clothing! Her tunic and boots looked like a cross between his and Saria’s.
“Yes, that is why”, Zelda added. “Link’s father, however didn’t know Link was also there”. Kelli glanced down at the ground, looking a little worried.
“I remember it all now…” she said. “The horrors I suffered during my childhood…” Kelli felt like breaking into tears. Link sensed it.
“It’s okay, Kelli. Tell us what happened”, he said, putting a comforting hand on Kelli’s shoulder.
“Mido ran me out of the forest because he thought I was an outcast…Saria was the only one who seemed to like me”, Kelli began. “After Mido ran me out, I ran deep into the Lost Woods. And that’s where I met a fairy named Vira…she was the only friend I ever had at that time…” Kelli started crying a little.
“You poor thing”, Link commented. “I know how you feel, Mido made fun of me too. And believe me, it wasn’t pleasant”. Before Kelli could continue, Navi butted in.
“Wait, did you just say that fairy’s name was Vira?” she asked.
“Yes”, Kelli replied. “Wait a minute…your name’s Navi, right? You’re Vira’s younger sister she was looking for all that time, aren’t you?!”
“Yeah!” Navi replied. “But…what happened to her?” Kelli started crying again.
“She…she was killed”, she replied, covering her face with her hands. “A Stalfos did it. We were attacked by one and it knocked me unconscious. It killed her afterward. I’m so sorry, Navi”.
“Wha…?” Navi commented, worriedly. “Oh no…but it’s not your fault, Kelli. If you couldn’t help being knocked unconscious, then you can blame it on that Stalfos”.
“Thanks”, Kelli said, unburying her face. Her eyes had flashed yellow. “But after it happened, I left the forest for good. I never wanted to go back. I came upon Kakariko Village, but sometime after I’d just gotten used to the place, my mysterious powers were noticed and I was called inferior. I had made another friend, but he didn’t last long, as I was eventually run out of Hyrule”.
“Kelli, that’s terrible”. Link commented, a little worried. “Where did you go?”
“Well, soon after I was run out, I found the Sun Sword and Shield”, Kelli continued. “Then I decided to venture away from Hyrule and I came to a land called Mayule”.
“And you saved that land from a terrible fate, didn’t you?” Zelda added.
“Yes”, Kelli replied. “It was after that I was able to return to Hyrule”.
“That’s good”, Link commented. “Looks like we both saved kingdoms”. Kelli smiled.
“Yep”, she replied. “Well…I’d better go, so I guess this is goodbye”.
“But you don’t have anywhere to go, do you?” Link protested. “You could come with me, apparently since we’re cousins”.
“Live with you? That’d be great! Except one thing”, Kelli replied.
“What’s that?” Link asked.
“You’ve probably outgrown that tree house of yours, so I don’t think it would fit just you anymore, let alone both of us”, Kelli replied.
“Oh yeah”, Link commented. “Guess neither of us have a place to go then”.
“Of course you two have a place to go”, Zelda interrupted. “Both of you are welcome to come to the castle with me”.
“Really? That’s great!” Link commented.
“Yeah, I’ll go tell the King about it”, Kelli added. She walked off. Zelda walked up to Link.
“Link, can I speak to you alone for a minute?” she asked.
“Sure, what’s on your mind?” Link replied.
“Well, I wanted to tell you before...but I knew I couldn’t, because of your fear”, Zelda explained. “Link…I…I love you. I’ve loved you ever since that day we met in the Temple of Time. I was sad to have to say goodbye to you after Ganondorf was sealed away. I was also sad when you left Hyrule. But Link…ever since those times…I’ve loved you so…”
A tear trickled down Zelda’s face. Link put his hand on her cheek and wiped it off.
“Zelda, I understand”, he said. “I’m not afraid anymore. You and Kelli helped me overcome that fear and that’s all that matters. You don’t need to cry about it…because…I love you too”. Zelda smiled. Seconds later, they were sharing a long passionate kiss that lasted moments.
A minute later, Kelli returned. Link and Zelda let go of each other. Kelli laughed.
“Don’t worry, I already know what you two lovebirds were up to” she giggled. “You’re in love”.
“How’d you know? Is that another one of your powers?” Link asked.
“Yep”, Kelli replied. “I can sense love. Anyway, the King said he’d be delighted to have us live at the castle, Link”.
“That’s very true”, a voice behind Kelli said. It was the King. “You two deserve it. In fact, you two deserve a lot more. I want you to be the protectors of Hyrule”.
“Wow, great!” Link commented.
“Yeah!” Kelli added.
“And since Ganondorf won’t be a big problem anymore, let’s go back to the castle and celebrate!” Link suggested.
“That’s a good idea” the King commented. “Let’s go!” They started out of the Village. Zelda started whispering in Link’s ear.
“Let’s not tell my father we’re in love just yet, okay?” Zelda said.
“Okay”, Link whispered back. “I’ll tell Kelli not to tell yet”. He ran up to her and whispered it into her ear.
Zelda smiled. She was glad she finally revealed to Link that she loved him, for it was destiny that had brought them together.

The End


Well? The final clue is in this chapter. It's in Zelda's quote about Link getting the Ocarina of Time back to her. I hope you enjoyed my story's ending. The trivia questions and bonus story will come soon, I just need to think up some good questions and the bonus story needs a little editing. Stay tuned!
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Last edited by StonyLonesome : 07-02-2006 at 12:46 PM.
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Old 07-02-2006, 12:43 PM   #108
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Boo this sucks..

Zelda is rewritten too much...and this just seems like an adaptation of an already written fanfic..
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Old 07-02-2006, 12:45 PM   #109
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Um, no. It is not an adaptation of an already written fanfic. My plot's original and you know it. Now shut up. If you don't want to see anymore Zelda fanfics, don't read any! Is that so hard? I should think not.
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Old 07-03-2006, 03:39 AM   #110
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasatsu
Boo this sucks..

Zelda is rewritten too much...and this just seems like an adaptation of an already written fanfic..

Oh please. Go and stick your head up your rectum if you can't offer any proper comments or encouragement. Oh, and would you care to mention said fic? Because Stoneylonesome has been writing this fic for a hell of a long time and put a lot of effort into it and despite her...reputation, you shouldn't just strut in here and expect to get away with undeserved insults like so many before you.

Anyway, I've occasionally popped in here to read your chapters and you are getting better. There are obviously a few things that can be cleaned up, so if you'd like any tips just send me a pm.
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Old 07-03-2006, 07:18 AM   #111
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You tell him, Jayolorin! I thank you greatly for adding on to my comments.

Now anyway, before I post the trivia, I want to give you a little pronounciation guide for some of the names from this story.

Tamuda: Tah-moo-dah
Melain: Mel-(as in melanin)-lane
Hydro: (as in hydro electricity)
Roga: Roh-gah
Goge: Gohg

I left out names such as Kelli and Howler because those are obvious.

Now for the trivia. I didn't want to post it right away after the final chapter was posted cause I don't want to rush you all! ^_^ And also, your answers must be in either spoilers or you can PM them to me. And if someone has spoilers, NO ONE LOOKS AT THEM BUT ME, UNLESS YOU'VE ALREADY ANSWERED THEM ALL CORRECTLY! Got that? Good. Now let's begin:

1. Who does Link find in his tree house along with the other Kokiri when he's looking for them?
2. What kind of horse does Kelli have?
3. Behind what house does Link find the Underground Forest Dungeon's hidden hole?
4. During the boss battle in the Underground Light Dungeon, Link is reminded of Kelli. What does he refer to her as?
5. How old did Kelli say she was when she found the Sun Sword?
6. What tried to kill Link in the Underground Shadow Dungeon (besides the boss)?
7. What did Link almost lose during the boss battle of the Underground Fire Dungeon?
8. How many people made Link blush?
9. What kind of creature is the boss of the Underground Water Dungeon?
10. How many times did Kelli save Link?
11. What attacks Kakariko Village when Link is trying to go up Death Mountain?
12. What is the name of Kelli's bow?
13. Who does Link and Kelli find in the dungeon of Hyrule castle after Link got all six sage diamonds?
14. Who is nearly killed by Ganondorf?
15. What two attacks does Kelli teach Link?
16. Zelda tells Link and Kelli a big secret about their past. What was it?
17. What does the King reward Link and Kelli with after they got him out of Hyrule Castle's dungeon?
18. Kelli's eyes change color with her what?
19. Ganondorf locked Zelda somewhere in Hyrule Castle. Where?
20. Who tries to capture Kelli in Kakariko Village?
21. What happens to Link during the boss battle of the Underground Shadow Dungeon?
22. What happened to Kelli at that same time?
23. What does Link run out of after he freed Darunia?
24. Who tells Link Kelli can sense danger?
25. How old did Kelli say she was when she made up her song?

*wipes forehead* Phew! That's all of em'! When you're ready to give your answers to these questions or the story's mystery, just PM me or put in a spoiler here.

P.S. I'll get to work on editing my bonus story as well. It's been written already. ^_^ Well, stay tuned!
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Old 07-03-2006, 10:44 PM   #112
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I compiled a thorough list and explanation of what's wrong with this story. Ahem. I'll try to be as nice as possible about it. In fact, I e-mailed my younger sister over it, and she added a few things here and there to help me out (I'm putting them in blue). She's an awesome sister.

1) Abuse of commas.

Here's three lines from the first chapter:

Quote:
“Yes, Link it’s me!”, Navi replied, happy to see him again.
“I’m so glad to see you again. Where’ve you been all these years? Why’d you even leave me in the first place?”, Link asked.
“I had to. You’re a Hylian. Hylians don’t need fairies”, Navi explained.

For one thing, if you have an exclamation point, you don't need a comma.
If you have a question mark, you don't need a comma.
And the comma is supposed to be on the INSIDE of the quotation marks.

Here's those lines corrected for you, so you can see:
Quote:
“Yes, Link it’s me!” Navi replied, happy to see him again.
“I’m so glad to see you again. Where’ve you been all these years? Why’d you even leave me in the first place?” Link asked.
“I had to. You’re a Hylian. Hylians don’t need fairies,” Navi explained.

The same goes for periods. Periods go INSIDE the quotation marks, not outside.

2) Way too much dialogue.

Dialogue is a good thing, and I acknowledge that it's important to the story, but when there's too much, the story becomes a script. You may not know this, but most people get bored with reading two people talk back and forth for pages and pages. In your case, too, I have to say the dialogue you write is pretentious anyway, so I'd definitely recommend cutting it down.

When people say "more detail," they don't mean they want more explanatory dialogue. You're dodging the problem by having your characters explain everything for you.

What do I mean by that? Take this excerpt:

Quote:
Then they started toward town.
“Oh by the way Link, my horse’s name is Sunfire. Isn’t she pretty?”, Kelli asked.
“Yeah. Nice name too”, Link replied. “It matches her color”.
“Yeah, that’s why her name is Sunfire”, Kelli agreed.
“Where did you get her?”, Link asked.
“She used to belong to the castle”, Kelli explained. “But then she ran away. I found her and returned her to the castle. Zelda was so grateful, she let me keep Sunfire”.

...I'm going to blunt. Am I supposed to care what her horse's name is and how she got the stupid thing? Either eliminate this dialogue and explain it IN TEXT, or just throw out the whole idea together. You're welcome to call the horse "Sunfire," but you don't have to tell us this through dialogue.

My sister notes that, also, this dialogue comes in at the wrong time. As she says:

Link doesn't care about 'Sunfire, the s00per-Spechul SUN-CULLERED HORSE OMG!!1,' because Link is busy digesting the fact that Zelda's been mysteriously captured by Ganon. Again. For no explainable reason. He should be worried!

I looked up Palomino horses. They're not technically any breed, but they're not exactly war horses. They're pretty, so they're often used in parades, but they could never stand in a fight like Epona (her being a young draft horse).

Not to mention they only really appeared in England around the 1500s. I'm not sure if the Zelda timeline is right for that. Alright, they could have been bred by the King/Queen/Zelda or whatever, but again, only as show horses.


As well, Kelli explains that Ganondorf has escaped and captured Zelda, yet she seems to be at a loss as to explaining how or why. I thought Kelli magically knew everything?

Do more of what you did in chapter 3: have a good chunk of detailed writing before you get into dialogue. Remember that the key to keeping dialogue and detail readable is to keep it balanced. Avoid having too much of either.

3) Bad Description

Quote:
There wasn’t as much lava as there had been last time and the castle itself looked a lot more evilish.

he temple looked the same as it always had, except with a little evil added to it now.

It waved it’s sword around in the air and made a loud noise that sounded similar to Odolwa’s from the Woodfall Temple in Termina.

It looked like a creepier version of a Stalfos.

Tamuda roared in pain, the same way Phantom Ganon from the Forest Temple did for some odd reason.

Okay, what?? If there is one thing that should never be done, it is the typical "it looked just like (blank), except..."

There are rare occasions when this sort of description is necessary or okay, but these example here are not. Assume that the readers have no idea what these things (the temples, the noises, the monsters) are like. What if I never played Majora's Mask? I would be puzzled by your third descriptor, that's what. Don't depend on "knowns" to get detail across. Explain it for yourself.

My sister noted:

More evil? More "evilish?" Creepier version? What the heck IS that supposed to mean, really? I don't know what evil looks like. Evil is a concept, not a physical thing.

4) "Unique" Does NOT Mean "Developed"

I have to say, I don't like Kelli at all.

At one point you say that a developed character has a lot of uniqueness to them. That's totally off the mark. There should be uniqueness, but throwing unique traits on top of a character doesn't make them developed. It more than often makes them unrealistic or silly. A developed character has a grounded, complex personality; a fresh, realistic behavior pattern; and ideally, you should know your character better than you know yourself.

A developed character should, in fact, have some things about them that are not unique. They should have flaws. They should have weaknesses (and I don't mean fake weaknesses like, "she's so pretty, that boys won't leave her alone"). Annoyingly full of herself? Afraid of the dark? Stutters? Has bad breath? There are lots of things that can be flawed, and you should always be open to allowing your character to be imperfect.

At this point, Kelli is, in fact, a Mary Sue. Here are the reasons.

a) Her name is your name, but with a one-letter difference.

b) She looks like Link and is his cousin (I saw that a miiile away, cripes)

c) She's super-duper PRETTY-FUL

d) Her horse has a PRETTY name and is also PRETTY, and is also a special and rare breed

e) She can sing well

f) She can fight well

g) She has magical powers

h) She has unusually colored eyes, which can change color with her emotions (excuse me while I gag)

i) She knows things that no one else does, for no real reason other than "she's awesome and can sense things"

j) She's friends with Zelda and everybody else

k) Mysterious tragic past? Check. Oppressed by the evil Mido? Check.

l) She can sense... Love?

m) Survives the brink of death twice so she can miraculously come back to life. Twice in one chapter. Doing this ONCE is a crime enough as it is.

n) Link, a canon character, expresses an absurd amount of affection for her, to the point that he stops acting like himself. Hyrule saved? Ganondorf defeated? No, he's busy beating himself up because one girl is dead. He also continuously sings her praises throughout the story.

If you still don't understand what a Mary Sue is, let me put it this way: The more special and super-powered a character is, the more likely it is a Mary Sue. Mary Sues are perfect in nearly every way: sensitive, independent, strong, and so forth. Additionally, it is common for them to be related to canon characters, have tragic pasts, have special possessions and powers, and have descriptors such as "she is the only one who ______"

In short, the character is a rehash of what every other author out there has done. In your attempt to make the character unique, you make her just like every OTHER person's "special" character. I can't tell you how many characters I've seen who have mysterious psychic powers, color-changing eyes, and a horse with a cool name.

My sister, again, notes:

Only one thing, really- Link becomes a second wheel to this new, random prophecy that rips off themes from the Hero of Time saga and glorifies this random girl. Canon characters should NEVER be less important than an OC. He should NEVER be less special, because Canon Main Characters tend to be borderline Sueish/Stuish in the first place. Upstage them? You're a Sue/Stu..

5) Your Attitude

Ultimately, I don't think your story is horrible. It's, at best, okay, and you've definitely improved since chapter 1. However, there's one major trait of a Mary Sue that you have glaringly exposed: The "Suethor" attitude.

"Suethors," people who write Mary Sues, are built on ego and use their characters to build themselves up. You may not conciously believe Kelli is yourself, but you make her pretty and powerful for the sake of your own ego. "Suethors" are extremely defensive, even in response to mild criticism, and can become so caught up in lashing out against critics, that they often lash out at their own fans as well. You've done that several times on this thread.

You hold the story hostage when no one replies to your story. Why? Ego-building. A "Suethor" trait of the most devious kind.

You deny your story needs editing, so much so that when a critic points out a goofy typo ("geese" instead of "geez"), you say that the typo is intended!

On your second post, you claim someone's out to get you. You also have scizophrenic delusions (i.e. when one person says something negative, you scream "all of you are mean and are plotting against me!")."Suethor" paranoia.

You repeatedly state that you haven't read any other good fiction on this forum. The only story you perceive as worthy is your own.

Whenever you face criticism, you either lash out or act confused. Again, "Suethor" trait.

*******

The fact is, the story in and of itself shows promise. However, from your behavior, I don't see much improvement occurring. You need to drop all these defenses. Allow yourself to be vulnerable but at the same time have a thick skin. In other words, open yourself up to criticism and learn to take it and learn from it--whether or not it's voiced politely.

I'm not trying to be mean, but this story could use some serious overhaul.

And, in a slightly more mean fashion, I have a fourteen-year-old sister here who could teach you a thing or two about maturity and tact. I cannot believe you're my age (slaps self). All I can hope is that this is just that "teenage" stage of selfishness that everyone talks about, and you'll grow out of it.
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Old 07-03-2006, 11:57 PM   #113
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To add briefly to what Chavaah said about the dialouge, I will tell you something Stephen King told me in his amazing novel On Writing

"Adverbs are human, but he said, she said are divine."

You once told me that you were told not to use said too much. Who the hell told you that? Said is the best word to use, ever! Your writing should show what emotion is being shown so something like "It was you, wasn't it?" she acused. isn't needed, but "she said" would work fine. I like said, and apparantly so does King. He only has 50ish published books?

Also there is a lot of these things. We don't need to have a he said she said line (Or in your case most of the time it's some crazy action.) You're having a lot of dialouge between two people. When it's back in forth we know who is talking, and hopefully by your writing how they are talking so those lines are superfluous. (We're not perfect. I too have to work on my use of he said she said. I put it too much sometimes, when it is not needed.)

In short "Use said, damn it," he said.

Another thing On Writing said was "Formula for Second Draft = First Draft - 10%"

Writing tends to be fluffy in general. And as King puts it a lot of us are "putter oners" instead of "taker offers." I too tend to be like this myself. And as all authors should go through and have a second draft (As he said, wait six weeks or so, then go through it.) You have way too much unneeded dialouge and you can take out many of the "he replied" "Kelly answered." "Blah blahed." If you do this and take out as much as needed (You may find there is a lot after not looking at it for weeks.) you can come out with a neat, organized, and all around better piece of work.

Hope Stephen King helped you, and do yourself a favor, pick up his book On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft.
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Old 07-04-2006, 10:12 AM   #114
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The use of "said" may be helpful to you, but even moreso, you need to learned more words to use other than "asked," "explained," "replied," and "agreed." You use an extremely limited vocabulary in that regard.

And I definitely agree with Steve the Queen on the point that you don't NEED a "she said" or "he replied" after every line of dialogue. It gets old fast. I usually use that space to describe the character's in-between behavior or emotion. An example:

Quote:
[...] Ganondorf unhappily harrumphed. "I suppose I am."

Link took this into consideration. "You saved my life."

"So?" Ganondorf responded with a violent distaste.

"He said you wouldn't."

Ganondorf felt acutely defeated, and he wasn't sure why, so he kept his reply dull in order to end this exchange. "Well, he was wrong then, wasn't he?"

People say and do things in the midst of dialogue--make face, noises, move their body, and so forth. They also, more than often, say things with emotion--say things happily or anxiously or angrily. Take time to describe the activity and emotion that goes on during the conversation, and it will seem much more fleshed out.
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Old 07-04-2006, 10:42 AM   #115
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Well, sorry. First off, I've never heard of a Mary Sue, so you can't really say I made Kelli one intentionally. She may have my name, but that doesn't mean I modeled her after me. For example, Kelli's pretty, I'm not. She's got mysterious abilities, I don't (well I sort of do, but those are different). And you know why Kelli resembles Link a bit in appearance. She's his cousin. And when did Kelli get saved twice in one chapter? You need to read this again. Her life was only saved once, not counting the incident with Ganondorf's followers. And those were in different chapters anyway. And her powers aren't magical. They're...well, let's just say magic has absolutely nothing to do with them.

Second, about the dialogue. Different stories need a different amount of dialogue (Steve actually told me this, but his story I read didn't have enough for the kind it is) and my story is the kind that needs a lot. But I get what you're trying to say about doing less explanatory dialogue. I'll do that more often. And about the comma thing. I did fix that in later chapters. I just forgot to go back and do it that in earlier ones.

And Steve, said should not be used too much. I learned that in school, and I've been using that tip ever since. Words like replied, exclaimed, mumbled, responded, cried, panted, protested, agreed, suggested, etc. are better to use and sort of "express" the way the character is saying what he/she is saying. Like for example, "panted" would show the character is sounding out of breath and tired. And using adverbs after those express the character's talking even more. For example, "cried, worriedly" would show that the character is crying out sounding worried. I only used said when I couldn't find a word to take its place. You get the idea now?

And about your comment about Sunfire, Chavvah, please don't call her stupid. She's actually pretty smart for a horse (ever wonder why she and Epona are always vanishing when they're left together?). And also, Sunfire's not supposed to be a war horse. She used to be used by Zelda to run errands and stuff, not by knights. And it's not like Kelli's ever had to go to a war, which she hasn't, despite the fact she has a sword and shield.

In conclusion, I see what problems I have to fix, and that I will fix. But Kelli's personality and stuff stays. It's too late to change that now. And trust me, she has her flaws. She hates heights. She's got plenty in common with Link (blonde hair, raised by the Kokiri, etc.). So just because it doesn't talk about her flaws that much, doesn't mean she doesn't have em'! But, in general, I'll fix my problems, k? Thanks for the criticism. ^_^
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Old 07-04-2006, 12:02 PM   #116
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Quote:
She may have my name, but that doesn't mean I modeled her after me. For example, Kelli's pretty, I'm not. She's got mysterious abilities, I don't (well I sort of do, but those are different).

Mary Sues don't have to model after the author. They do, though, usually model a person they wish they could be. Considering how much fauning over her and her horse you do, I wouldn't be surprised if you DREAM of being her.

I'm not suggesting you have to redo this story--I understand you've gotten way into it to do too much overhaul (without killing yourself, anyway). But this advice, especially on Kelli's character, is to warn you for future stories. It's okay to write crappy stuff when you're just starting out, but you need to know that her kind of character is not the kind you want to create.

Quote:
And about your comment about Sunfire, Chavvah, please don't call her stupid.

(Sigh) Oh gosh, I'm so sorry I offended the animal. Please ask the beast to forgive me.

The "stupid" remark was not a judgement of intelligence. I was rather expressing my apathy towards its existence. I don't like it when talk of a "pretty, SPECIAL" horse mucks up my reading of a story. If there is anything I disdain more than a super-special female character who steals the show, it is her Satanic animal who also ambles into the scene and is portrayed as the pinnacle of horse-dom.

And though you may not intend the animal to be a war horse, if Kelli is a warrior, wouldn't it still make more sense for her to seek another breed? The problem my sister was pointing out to you was that you chose the breed solely because you think it's a pretty breed, and as a consequence did no research whatsoever. That's bad writing and bad decision-making.

Quote:
And you know why Kelli resembles Link a bit in appearance. She's his cousin.

Yeah, I know. I saw that a mile away, too, as I said (though originally I entertained the idea that she may be his sister).

But, a cousin? My cousins look nothing like me. You have a character with the same hair color and eyes--when it comes to cousins, the chance of that happening is pretty slim. Unless their parents were Aryan supremacists who only married other blonde, blue-eyed caucasians and happened not to have any other genes in the way. Blonde and blue-eyes are recessive traits, after all. Please don't retaliate with the "she has teal eyes, not blue," because teal is basically blue with a little green shade to it.

Also, flaws should be blindingly apparent and annoying. I should be able to tell, by reading the story alone, what her flaws are.

In conclusion, I guess, better luck next time? I think you should definitely keep writing, as long as you're able to note your errors and learn to edit what doesn't work. I don't know if this is your first crack at fiction, but it's definitely premature, and the best advice I have for new writers is "write like crazy, change for the better, and then write some more."

Edit:

P.S. I ran Kelli through a Mary Sue Litmus Test, and she scored off the charts as a Mary Sue. I had to make a few guesses, though, so if you're interested, I'd encourage you to try yourself.

http://www.onlyfiction.net/marysue2.html

Be honest, okay? In this one, you just have to check boxes. You can ignore some of the areas or questions (ex. don't check that she's an "elf," because everybody's an "elf" in Hyrule), but go as thoroughly as you can.

Also, here's another description of Mary Sue for you:

http://missy.reimer.com/library/guide.html#5

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Old 07-04-2006, 12:32 PM   #117
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Well, I guess Link and Kelli both happened to inherit blonde hair, huh? After all, their mothers were probably both blondies, and what adds to it is that because Kelli is mysterious in a way, she didn't inherit much from her parents.

And also, Kelli's not super special. She is special, but not that special. I mean, she's not COMPLETELY unique. Everybody's special, just never super special.

And how can cousins look nothing alike? It's possible yes, but chances are slim. I mean, I'm a blondie and most of my cousins are blondies too. There are even some that have both the same hair color and eye color as me. See? Cousins look alike in some ways most of the time.

And also, I didn't talk much about Kelli's flaws, because this story focuses mainly on Link's quest here, not on characters' lives. Same goes for the Zelda games. Link's flaws aren't talked about at all there, if he has any. Same with some of the other characters.

And also, I intend to reveal more about Kelli's flaws in future stories, since there's less action in those than in this one. I even intend to show some Link and Zelda may have. So sure, I'll do better in my next stories. And also, the bonus story I've mention has a lot less dialogue than this one, I'll have you know. The kind of story this is resembles the kind Steve's "Rich" story is, except I have more dialogue than he does, which means he did not have enough. But anyway, I'll be sure to do better next time.
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Old 07-04-2006, 12:59 PM   #118
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Quote:
And how can cousins look nothing alike? It's possible yes, but chances are slim. I mean, I'm a blondie and most of my cousins are blondies too. There are even some that have both the same hair color and eye color as me. See? Cousins look alike in some ways most of the time.

Well, when one looks at it genetically, cousins are usually going to look pretty different, depending on who their parents marry. I have cousins who are quarter-Filipino, and as such are all dark-haired and brown-eyed, and also have darker complexions.

Quote:
because Kelli is mysterious in a way, she didn't inherit much from her parents.

Ahem. I don't think being mysterious is a physical state that renders a person immune to their parent's genes.

I'm a dirty blonde with hazel eyes, I have two siblings who are blonde and blue-eyed, and I have another brother whose hair is almost stark black. When there's that much variety between siblings, there's bound to be variety between the kids they have, especially if they marry different kinds of people. What if I marry a black guy and then my blonde sister marries another Aryan? Well, the kids are going to look nothing like each other, that's for sure.

I'm not disputing that it's possible for Link's cousin to also be blonde and blue-eyed. It's unlikely, though possible, especially because those traits are recessive.

The fact is, though, that to have a character who is related to a main character and is also a lot alike in appearance is cliche (it also made it easy to guess that they were related). Too many people have done it. Cousin is a little better than sibling, though, so for that I can forgive you.

I reread the beginning of your story and I think I might as well say something positive: You don't spend pages explaining every little description of her clothing and hair and so forth. A lot of Suethors like to describe their character in painful detail ("she was 5'6" and had a pink tanktop with yellow spaghetti straps and a heart in the center with sparkly jewels spelling out 'Las Vegas' and..."), and as you can imagine, it gets boring quickly. So at least I like the WAY you described her.

Again, though, I encourage you to check out the links I provide at the end of my previous post.
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Old 07-04-2006, 01:18 PM   #119
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Well, you should have noticed by now that Kelli's being mysterious did indeed have some effect on her appearance (ie the teal eyes). It definitely affected her genetically, because how would she have gotten her powers in the first place? She can't just mysteriously be born with the powers she has. Something caused them. And the first thing that comes into my mind when I think of how Kelli got her powers is genes.

I, too, am a dirty blonde with hazel eyes, yet, my half-brother is the only sibling related to me by blood that also has dirty blonde hair. My real parents are both dark haired. Also, I wear glasses, unlike my parents. See? I'm mysterious in a way, and yet, I didn't inherit much from my parents either.

So you can see how I got the idea Kelli shouldn't have inherited too much from her parents.
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Old 07-05-2006, 05:04 AM   #120
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I just thought of something. Someone said I should make Kelli a BA character, but I don't know how. I just looked over the character section thingy and it doesn't say how I can get my character approved. Can someone tell me how?

Also, I will be posting the bonus story soon, I'm just waiting until some people who've finished NP finish its trivia questions and its mystery. I don't want to go too fast. After all, slow and steady wins the race.
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